How to Use Mindfulness to Improve Interpersonal Relationships

Understanding the “human” in “understanding people” refers not only to others but also to yourself. In good interpersonal relationships, it is important to recognize that both you and the other person are human. Specifically, first, both sides in a relationship have equal power, dignity, and similar emotional reactions. Often, you can easily judge whether a behavior, from either yourself or the other person, is right or wrong by switching perspectives. Secondly, in communication, it is essential to remain mindful of both yourself and the other person. You can practice distributing your attention equally between yourself and the other party during a conversation.

Here are some practical exercises to help you achieve this:

Observe Others, Observe Yourself

• Observe the other person: During conversations, pay attention to the other person’s facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and word choice to assess their emotions and state.
• Observe yourself: Simultaneously, observe your own feelings during the conversation. What are you seeking from the other person? Do you need to adjust the course of the conversation? How do you feel about the discussion that’s taking place?

Sometimes, understanding your own experiences and needs can be challenging. The following two exercises can help you improve your ability to recognize your emotions and needs:

Method 1: Decision Tree

First, ask yourself: do you feel good or bad right now? Are you in pain or feeling pleasant? If you feel good, is it more like satisfaction, excitement, attraction, affection, contentment, joy, anticipation, or fullness? If you feel bad, is it more like anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, sadness, pain, hurt, frustration, disgust, embarrassment, shame, guilt, longing, loss, loneliness, or emptiness? If you’re unsure of the meanings of these emotional terms, you can look up descriptive definitions to better understand them.

Method 2: Pause

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were unsure how to respond to a request or proposal, so you agreed without thinking it through, only to realize later it was a mistake or something you didn’t want to do? Before mastering mindfulness, it’s often difficult to immediately grasp what you truly want. In such cases, you can practice deliberately “pausing” to understand your current emotions, then use your wisdom to respond. For example, in a tricky situation, you might say, “I’m sorry, I might need to think about it and get back to you,” or “I’m not sure I fully understood, could you explain it again?”

Mindfulness pause exercises can help develop this skill. It’s simple: when engaging with others, discussing issues, or noticing tension or excitement within yourself, pause and observe any pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral feelings.

Focus on the Present in Communication

We’ve all had the experience of being in a meeting, class, or consultation and getting so caught up in thinking about what we’re going to say next that we miss what the speaker is saying. In interpersonal communication, we should focus our full attention on what we’re seeing, hearing, and feeling in the moment, rather than thinking about what to say next or getting lost in memories. Not focusing on the present moment during a conversation can lead to missing important information from the other person, overlooking your own emotions, expressing inappropriate emotions, or failing to anticipate the other person’s feelings.

A mindful listening exercise can help train your ability to stay present in communication: Two people sit comfortably across from each other, agree on a topic, and one person speaks for 1–3 minutes while the listener simply listens without interrupting or responding. After a minute of silence, the listener repeats what they just heard. Then, they switch roles. This exercise helps develop the ability to listen and express mindfully.

Understand Human Commonality

As mentioned earlier, “understanding people” requires a deep understanding that everyone is human. This is particularly important when dealing with close yet sometimes conflict-prone relationships, such as with children, parents, partners, or supervisors. Remind yourself that the other person, like you, is human, with human logic and emotions, human stubbornness and flexibility. You can practice this mindset through interpersonal loving-kindness meditation, which helps you cultivate compassion for others and recognize shared humanity.