Interacting with Others Requires a Sense of Propriety

“The Doctrine of the Mean” in the Book of Rites states: “A gentleman acts according to his position and does not desire what is beyond it.” The highest level of cultivation can be summed up in three words: a sense of propriety.

In life, you will find that people who lack this sense—those who have no boundaries in how they interact or conduct themselves—are often disliked, and their paths in life become narrower. On the other hand, those who understand the importance of propriety can navigate interpersonal relationships smoothly, create value, and maintain a sense of honor and discretion. Ultimately, such individuals are capable of making wise decisions and achieving a better life through their cultivated demeanor and strategic mindset.

Speak Without Being Overbearing

Indeed, those who speak without a sense of propriety are often arrogant and self-important. These individuals may come across as aggressive or domineering during conversations, easily offending those around them. When communicating, they may use sarcastic or confrontational tones or be quick to argue, leading to strained relationships. As a result, their life becomes challenging because they tend to alienate many people, making it difficult to find support when needed.

As Meng Fei once said, “Say what you need to, but know your boundaries. Whether as a host or as a person, I prefer to deal with those who understand propriety.” In social interactions, having at least a basic level of cultivation is crucial. This includes speaking with restraint, considering others’ perspectives, and even occasionally compromising for the greater good. One must carefully think through what is worth striving for and what is not, and sometimes it is better not to compete at all. As stated in the “Vegetable Root Discourse,” “Not competing is competing.” Only when we truly understand others’ situations and emotions can we win their favor. Ultimately, reliable speech, proper communication, and sincere interaction will help win people’s hearts and lead to a better life.

Maintain a Sense of Distance in Relationships

When interacting with others, it is essential to maintain a sense of distance because everyone needs personal space and privacy. If someone lacks a sense of propriety and often acts overly familiar, they are likely to be disliked. Without a sense of distance, such people may ignore social settings and behave inappropriately by making jokes or playing pranks, leaving others feeling awkward and annoyed.

The American anthropologist Edward Hall suggested that there are four types of interpersonal distance: public, social, personal, and intimate. A person with a sense of propriety knows to give others an exit and themselves a fallback in any situation. They do not cross boundaries, cause trouble, or make others uncomfortable. This understanding helps them stay aware of their position, rather than assuming they know everything or looking down on others.

Develop a Sense of Propriety and Maintain Boundaries

Bondarev once said, “The root of all human suffering lies in a lack of boundaries.” Truly wise individuals know when to advance and when to retreat, thus developing a sense of propriety and maintaining necessary boundaries. Especially upon entering society, one must adopt a low-key, humble, reliable, and even mysterious demeanor. In facing all people and situations, they must be adaptable, learn to understand, and identify patterns.

In this way, through a sense of propriety, one can gradually mature, becoming independent and strong. As Zhou Guoping said, “A sense of propriety is one of the signs of maturity.” In life, it is crucial to assess situations, respond accordingly, and refine one’s character to know what is important and prioritize actions. Finally, one should cultivate the highest level of propriety and an innate sense of boundaries to create a better future step by step.