Setting Boundaries in Human Relationships

“The Doctrine of the Mean” in The Book of Rites states: “A noble person acts according to their position and is not inclined to go beyond it.” The highest level of self-cultivation can be summed up in three words: a sense of propriety.

You will find that those who lack a sense of propriety in life, whether in their conduct or dealings, are bound to be shunned, and their path in life will narrow. Clearly, those who understand propriety can navigate interpersonal relationships with ease and can discern honor from disgrace, advance from retreat, even in the process of creating value. Ultimately, those who understand balance, know how to make choices, naturally excel in strategic planning and far-sightedness, using their self-cultivation to lead a better life.

Speaking with humility

Indeed, those who lack a sense of propriety in speech often exhibit an air of self-importance. Such individuals are likely to come across as overbearing or domineering in their interactions with others. Regardless, these people tend to alienate those around them. Their manner of communication is often confrontational, even contentious, and they are quick to argue. It can be said that those without a sense of propriety in speech find it difficult to lead a good life. They are likely to offend many, leading those around them to gradually distance themselves, resulting in a lack of attention regardless of their actions. As Meng Fei once said, “Speak your mind, but understand the limits. Whether as a host or as a person, I prefer to deal with those who understand propriety.” Therefore, in the complexities of human relationships, the most important thing is to possess a basic level of self-cultivation. For instance, understanding the importance of moderation in speech, considering others’ perspectives, and, when necessary, sacrificing personal desires for the greater good. In this way, one must consider what is worth pursuing and what is not, and strive to avoid unnecessary conflict. As the saying goes, “To not contend is to contend.” Only by understanding others’ circumstances and empathizing with their feelings can one win the favor of those around them. Ultimately, speaking sensibly, communicating with propriety, and engaging with sincerity can win people’s hearts and lead to a better life.

Maintaining a sense of distance in relationships

In reality, there must be a sense of distance in human interactions because everyone has their own personal space and privacy. If a person lacks a sense of propriety and often behaves presumptuously, they are sure to be disliked. Those lacking a sense of propriety naturally lack a sense of distance in their actions and dealings. Without this distance, many people will fail to recognize boundaries, often behaving inappropriately, making jokes or playing pranks without considering the context. Such individuals will increasingly create awkward and unpleasant impressions and feelings. Dr. Edward T. Hall, an American anthropologist, believes that human relationships have four distances, ranging from public distance to intimate distance. In essence, those with a sense of propriety know to give way to others and leave themselves an exit route, avoiding overstepping boundaries or being presumptuous. Instead of being self-important and disregarding others, they understand their position, educate themselves, and respect others. It can be said that a person’s high level of self-cultivation lies in understanding propriety, having one’s own insights, cognition, and judgment, continually broadening one’s horizons, and shaping a mature character. In doing so, one can ride the waves to achieve great things and, when necessary, make timely retreats.

Cultivating a sense of propriety and maintaining boundaries

Baudelaire once said, “The source of all human suffering lies in the lack of boundaries.” Truly intelligent people always know when to advance and when to retreat. Therefore, actively developing a sense of propriety and maintaining necessary boundaries is crucial. Especially after entering society, one must maintain a sense of modesty, humility, reliability, and even mystery. Faced with all aspects of life and all people, one must be adaptable, understand, and find order. Only through a sense of propriety can one gradually mature and even achieve sufficient independence and strength. As Mr. Zhou Guoping said, “A sense of propriety is a sign of maturity.” In life, one must know how to judge the situation, adapt as necessary, and refine one’s character, understanding priorities and when to advance or retreat. Finally, by demonstrating the highest level of self-cultivation, a sense of propriety, and nurturing an instinctual sense of boundaries, one can step by step create a brighter future for oneself.