RETREAT REPORT BY R.A. | Getting The Buddha Mind

I first heard about meditation retreats from friends whose accounts were varied, and some spoke about unpleasant experiences. Not wanting to be influenced by these stories, I came to Master Sheng-Yen’s retreat with no expectations. Whatever happens, I would do my best and get whatever I could from the experience.

When we arrived at Bodhi House, I was overwhelmed by its beauty. But on seeing the schedule, I didn’t know if I could get up at four A.M. and sit ten hours a day. To my surprise, as the days went on I sensed a spiritual energy growing. I wouldn’t say it was the house itself, but it occurred to me that this was a place where people came to get enlightened! The schedule was all right for me. I slept well, woke up with enough energy to get through the day’s work. I say “work” because that’s what it was, since we practiced almost constantly.

On the second day while concentrating on the breath, I started feeling numb, as though I was a corpse wrapped in cotton, except I could still see. I thought of how it feels to be dead. I thought of my father and how he felt when he died. Tears started to come. I didn’t move. Master Sheng-Yen motioned me into the interview room. When I told him what happened, he said that’s in the past, concentrate on the present. Though I knew that already, the sternness he maintained in the zendo changed to such compassion that I felt greatly relieved and went back to sit.

The schedule became a steady flow of activities. At bedtime we practiced lying down until we fell asleep, only to wake up a few hours later to the sound of wooden boards being clapped. I began to feel a lightness of body. I lost my appetite, but I ate a little anyway to maintain the daily routine. Once, when Master Sheng-Yen took us outside for slow walking meditation, I felt like an infant taking its first wonderful steps. I saw trees, pebbles, grass, colors, so clearly, as though for the first time. Everything seemed fresh and new.

Sometimes in the afternoon, I would wonder if I could sit any longer. Once, in intense pain, I said to myself, “I’ll sit here until my legs fall off, then I won’t be bothered by them!” It helped; the pain gradually lessened. Another time, Master Sheng-Yen told us not to worry if we died, that he would take all the responsibility. “Well, ” I thought, “if he’s going to be responsible, I’ll sit here till I die.” It may seem ridiculous, but it helped my sitting. I sat with a lot of determination after that.

In our first interview, Master Sheng-Yen asked me why I came. I said the first thing that came to me: “To improve my practice.” He said, “I hope you will have higher goals.” I left feeling foolish. During our free period after lunch, I thought about why I came. Then it occurred to me that this place, this schedule, this teacher, were all positive conditions for enlightenment! It was all up to us! The next day, Master Sheng-Yen again asked me why I came. “Hopefully to get enlightened, ” I said. “Yes. Now work hard, ” was all he said.

In the zendo I felt the oneness of everyone, like one person sitting instead of ten. Then Master Sheng-Yen would hit me on the shoulder with his stick and that thought would be zapped out of my head. He once told us we were all stupid. He said, we outnumbered Reverend Jih-Ch’ang and himself and could easily beat them up with their sticks. Instead we all sat and got hit by them.

After dinner one evening, instead of walking to the ocean, as I sometimes did, I sat on the grass and meditated. I vowed that I wouldn’t move until I got enlightened. I sat and watched the grass become individual blades of grass, to a mass blur of green, to a bright light. I felt I was the Buddha. I was conscious of a total space in front of me, surrounding me in me, and then I felt there was no space. One single tear slid from my eye, down my cheek, landing on my leg. I kept sitting, but I could focus only on what was in front of me. Soon Reverend Jih-Ch’ang was ringing the bell for the lecture to begin.

Master Sheng-Yen reminded us that our time was limited, how our good causes and conditions gave us this chance. He warned us that if we didn’t seize the opportunity it may never come again. I was concerned about my ability to function well the next day if I stayed up all night. Master Sheng-Yen stressed that there was no health danger in sitting all night. After that I sat a little longer each night before going to sleep.

Near the end of retreat, I stayed up sitting for a long time. I was using all my energy concentrating on Wu, and had no other thoughts. Still, I was angry at myself and felt I should be working harder. I finally started nodding out, and went upstairs to sleep, but before I knew it, the boards were clapping and it was time to get up again. I didn’t feel tired. I didn’t feel very energetic either. At breakfast, my nose began to bleed. I got up and washed, then sat down at the table.

During the interview Master Sheng-Yen told me to go outside for a rest, but I didn’t want to stop sitting because of a stupid nose-bleed! I figured, well, I’ll never get anything now. He interrupted my thoughts and told me to relax and not think of anything. I had planned to stay up all night, but Master Sheng-Yen said there was still time; I should go to sleep and work hard the next day.

Outside, I looked at the flowers on the dogwood trees. Some were buds shut tightly, others were just blossoming, while some were fully bloomed. I thought of how we were like those flowers, trying to cultivate our own true nature. They bloom naturally, revealing their nature. Though following a strict schedule, we were living a very natural life, using each day entirely, not wasting a moment. When we sat ready to eat the food we’d prepared, I usually felt I had earned the meal by working hard.

Near the end of the retreat, Master Sheng-Yen told us that he and Reverend Jih-Ch’ang were shepherds trying to get their sheep up a tree, because there was no more grass to eat. He was in the tree pulling and Reverend Jih-Ch’ang was at the bottom pushing. He said, “Come on up, the leaves taste sweet! But you sheep say, “Ahh, I’m too tired.” He told us he couldn’t pull anymore. We were on our own. It’s all up to us! I was determined to try.

When I went back to sit I shut out everything except “What is Wu? What is Wu? What is Wu?” It started changing and I lost the words: “What is blue? One and two.” Suddenly, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. My eyes, ears, nose, mouth all blended to one. I felt like a deflated balloon. I started shaking and began to cry. Reverend Jih-Ch’ang hit me. Harder than he did all the other times. I was crying effortlessly. I was told to follow Master Sheng-Yen. Once inside the interview room I started to laugh. Master Sheng-Yen and Reverend Jih-Ch’ang smiled at me. Reverend Jih-Ch’ang smacked me on the shoulder the way a parent would show they are pleased with their child’s efforts. I bowed to Master Sheng-Yen. I was close to his feet and wanted to hold them in my hands and kiss them. I wanted to hug them both.

At lunch, I ate but it didn’t seem like food. After the meal, Master Sheng-Yen told me to go into the zendo because my work wasn’t finished. I didn’t know what to think or feel. Just what is Wu? So once again, I sat. I wasn’t sitting long, when Master Sheng-Yen took me into the interview room. He said that I should relax, take a bath and come back at three o’clock. I went to the woods where I could see the ocean and the beach below. It was more beautiful than ever. I met Dan. We talked about Buddhism and animals we’d seen that day. I don’t think either of us was making too much sense, but it didn’t matter!

When the retreat was over, I felt very close to everyone. I think that closeness was also felt by everyone else. Master Sheng-Yen described it as a dream we all shared. Now the dream is over. It is.

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