RETREAT REPORT BY K.S. | Getting The Buddha Mind

On the drive to Bodhi House I felt a strange lack of excitement even though I had looked forward to this opportunity for a long time. Perhaps now I was frightened of being transformed, of having to abandon my desires. Anyway I resolved to work hard on the strength of my desire for enlightenment. At first the daily routine seemed ominous: I was afraid I could not remember all the instructions, or complete my chores. But after a day I became acclimated, and was grateful there was no time for daydreaming. We were not allowed to talk, but this suited me since conversation sometimes created barriers, rather than real communication, between people. Paradoxically, in silence, there seemed to be a greater sense of community, and responsiveness to people’s needs.

After a few days I was no longer distracted by thoughts of my outside life. During this time I was practicing the method of watching my tan-t’ien. I became very centered and calm, but I had a slight nervousness before my interviews with Shih-fu, which was dispelled as soon as we were face to face. I would tell him that I was not getting anywhere with my meditation. I was worried that I would not achieve any results. He would tell me not to worry about the future, just concentrate on the method. My concentration was improving, but I was impatient because the schedule was too predictable, and Shih-fu seemed too easy with me. There did not seem to be any room for the unexpected. For instance, I would relate some experience I had, while sitting or in a dream, since I spoke to him last. But whatever I related was already in the past. When would the immediate experience, the real interaction take place?

One day during slow walking, I became aware of everyone else’s tan-t’ien. I suddenly felt that everything was flimsy and transparent. I felt there was something wrong with what everyone was doing, that they had to go through so much suffering on the retreat. At lunch, I thought it was ridiculous how everyone was enjoying their food. Shih-fu said that these feelings showed that some deep-seated jealousy had come to the surface. This explanation surprised me, but then I realized that jealousy had always been an obstacle of mine. Part of my worries stemmed from my fear that Shih-fu did not want me to get enlightened at all-that he was being too nice. Maybe he had different plans for the people that he disciplined more strongly. Of course, I was very ashamed of these feelings.

What saved me was the strongest thing I had going for me-my faith in Shih-fu. My meditation was always best just after the interview or the evening lecture. Perhaps because of previous karmic connections, I had very early developed a strong attachment to Shih-fu. When Shih-fu left for Taiwan only six weeks after I met him, I was very upset and had many fears that something would prevent his return. But eventually my happiness at finding a teacher after a lifetime of doubt began to override my fears. I was convinced that he was my Shih-fu, that I would never seek another one. If he did not return, I would accept it. Maybe I was not destined to become enlightened in this lifetime. In this way, faith came to my rescue once before.

It seemed that now I was beginning to lose faith because of my selfishness. One evening, Shih-fu called me into the interview room. He indicated by his questions that he knew that I was sitting well just then. I
was awed by his perception, and this brought me out of my fears that Shih-fu was not being attentive to me. I decided to trust him entirely. I recalled from one of the evening lectures his image of some people who impatiently grasp for enlightenment as if it were some glorious fruit. It dawned on me that I was impatient for the same reason-I selfishly desired the fruit of enlightenment. Even if I got the fruit, what use would it be? There is no point getting enlightened unless it can benefit all sentient beings. The least I could do was to be a little patient.

The next day Shih-fu gave me the kung-an “What is Wu?” As soon as I used it, my perception of meditation changed. Previously, I only felt that I was seriously meditating when I was sitting. Now the method was constantly with me. There was no transition between sitting or doing chores. They were just arbitrary things I was doing with my body. Still, I worried that I was not asking the question correctly, or with enough conviction. That afternoon, while I was sitting, Shih-fu spoke in Chinese to someone behind me. I heard the word k’ai-wu (enlightenment) and I suddenly thought: This retreat is the real thing! If I don’t exert all of my strength now, there will never be another time!

I started asking with a vengeance: “Wu, wu, what is wu? Wu, wu, what is wu?” I followed Shih-fu’s instructions to ask the question as if I were pumping air into a tire; if there was no more room left, I should pump more air in. My body became very tense and sweaty and I rocked in my seat. When I thought I could not go on, I forced myself to ask it again. Suddenly Shih-fu hit me with his incense board twice on each shoulder. I did not experience any pain, just the sound of a loud, hollow crack, completely stopping all my thoughts.

I looked up at Shih-fu. He told me to stand up. I followed him to the interview room, where I promptly sat down. Shih-fu waved the stick in front of me. “What am I holding?” I stared at it blankly. It is hard to describe what I felt. I knew what it was, my being tangibly felt exactly what it was, but there was no word that I could find for it. I tried to say something, my mouth opened and closed, but nothing came out. Finally I just laughed and waved my arms in surrender. The same thing happened when he asked me what I was sitting on. He asked me if I was happy, and I shook my head, “No.” It seemed that nothing had really happened. He said I was very quick, but not strong enough yet. I went back to the meditation room.

After this, I did not feel changed in substance, but my priorities changed so radically, they almost went in reverse. I felt I could no longer make my worldly desires the primary consideration, but should dedicate my life to following the Dharma. Pain and sleepiness no longer hindered my meditation. I developed a disregard for my body. I felt that it was no longer my own since I had dedicated it to the service of all other beings.

Now I understood that compassion was not an extra thing that one should cultivate besides meditation; it was indispensable to the success of the meditation itself. It could not work or have any significance without it. At supper the food had no flavor; its texture was almost like water. Shih-fu had reminded us that day that the evening meal was called “medicine.” It came to me that Shih-fu and Jih-Ch’ang Fa-shih were doctors and Bodhi House was like a sanatorium where we were all recuperating from an illness that we had never been aware of. Sometimes during our daily walk outside I was struck with a poignant sadness. The anguish and self-deprivation of the retreat, caused by our misery, made the grounds seem almost painfully beautiful in contrast. All the more so since we were not participating fully in the bliss of all the living creatures there-the caterpillars, butterflies, trees, hares, and especially the surprising multitude of birds whose unusual calls comforted me during the day.

The next day I was more relaxed and joy was replacing sadness. Just doing ordinary things made me so happy. I remember I was in the kitchen slicing carrots. I became aware that Shih-fu was standing there watching me. I experienced an unspoken flow of warm affection between us. Then I helped him boil some water for tea. I felt so buoyantly happy that we could share these simple things together. I feel that all the people on the retreat became very close, like a family. When the retreat was over I could not believe it. It had been only a week long, but it seemed as if I had lived a whole lifetime in another realm not located in ordinary time and space. Now it was time to test my new life in the outside world.

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