RETREAT REPORT BY M.H. | Getting The Buddha Mind

This had been my second retreat. Knowing how difficult things can get, I was motivated by fear as much as greed this time. I wanted to get as much pain as I could over with as soon as possible. Not very admirable, but it seemed to help. I think the energy I gathered the first few days almost carried me through the rest of the week. It’s kind of beautiful when one’s self-attachment (expressed as greed or fear) can be so instrumental in learning to become less self-attached.

I don’t remember much about the beginning of the week (my retentive powers aren’t that great-a real plus when participating on a retreat). I had been working on the kung-an “Where am I?” I think it was the fourth day during a meditation period when I suddenly felt I was on the verge of some kind of understanding, but I couldn’t find any words for it. I let the feeling pass. Later that day I was in one of the kitchens cleaning the drinking glasses. Each person was assigned a specific glass solely for their use during the retreat. I picked up the first glass. My name was on it. I began to laugh. That’s where Marina was, in the sink! I had no name. It was as if the way I perceived things was becoming a little looser, freer.

That evening and the next day I began to feel strange during the meditation periods, although, at the time, I don’t think I was aware of feeling strange. I’m not good at making analogies, but: Imagine someone has just skipped a flat rock across the surface of a pond. That rock is analogous to the mind. Each time the rock hits the surface of the water it believes it’s a rock; it feels the water. When it’s in the air it doesn’t know anything. The words “rock, ” “air, ” and “water” cease to exist. It may be hard to see the value in having a mind that’s like a flat rock in mid-air that doesn’t know anything. But it’s easy to understand that it’s with words that we discriminate, draw boundaries, keep things frozen in time and space. As a result, we feel deprived and isolated.

While some of these mental habits seem to diminish, others come sharply into focus. Each day my selfishness stands out very clearly. I’m grateful for this because it’s the only way I’ll learn to unlearn it. I’m grateful for many things, but particularly grateful for the growth that is possible.

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