September 4 | Getting The Buddha Mind

In the morning Shih-fu told us to prostrate to the Buddhas. However, I continued to sit. While everybody else prostrated, Shih-fu spoke in a tone both encouraging and reprimanding, until tears began to flow. The noise of crying filled the hall. Hearing all that crying, I suddenly wanted to scold these people. I tried to check myself but finally I shouted, “What is there to cry about?” That must have scared them somewhat. Shih-fu hit me twice with his incense board saying, “Do you know everything?” I started laughing and then said, “How funny. What is the use of crying?” And then I calmed down.

Another incense stick passed by. Shih-fu told us to start walking meditation. I was still sitting, now with a slight numbness in my arms. All of a sudden my body slumped. Although my mind was very clear, I had no control over my body. I just fell backward onto the floor. Lin, the retreat helper, came over to help me, but once his hand touched my forehead, I acted like a child and started crying loudly. In fact, I was howling, with my arms flinging, my legs sometimes kicking. I was well aware of the situation but couldn’t control myself; I just felt that to cry was very natural, very relieving. After a while I stopped crying. Only then did tears come. I tried to continue sitting but Shih-fu told me to go out to see if the world was different. Lin carried me to the couch in the lecture hall and let me rest there.

Shih-fu’s words hooked firmly onto my heart. I strained my nearsighted eyes but couldn’t see how the world was different. But since Shih-fu said there was a difference, there must be a difference. Then the so-called “doubt” rose in my mind. Although I was urgent to resolve my doubt, I was not anxious. The thought mcame to me-“When the causes and conditions are ripe, each will receive the appropriate retributions.” I also knew that Shih-fu was using all kinds of methods to find the “person, ” and still hoped I could participate in this “examination.”

After a while, Shih-fu came into the lecture hall and said, “Chi-Ch’eng!” I stared at him.

“Who is Chi-Ch’eng?”

Those words shot into my heart. I mumbled “Don’t know…don’t know.” I looked intently at my body, at my hands, feeling them so intimate, yet so distant.

“Who was speaking to me just now?”

“Don’t know, don’t know.” Still looking carefully at myself, feeling like a stranger to myself. Murmuring, making a few gestures, I laughed, “How incomprehensible!” Suddenly my body fell forward. Shih-fu said kindly, “Be careful!” I replied, “Doesn’t matter.” This body isn’t mine. So what if it fell?

Urgently wanting to know, I asked, “Shih-fu, have you found the ‘person’?” I knew I was still not the person Shih-fu was looking for. He asked me, “Is there such a thing as up and down?”

“No!”

“Is there such a thing as the sky or the earth?”

“Where?”

I raised my head, looked at Shih-fu, his shining, powerful eyes shooting right at me. Right away I felt his compassion. I leapt down from my seat, prostrating to Shih-fu, my eyes holding tears, saying from within my heart, “Shih-fu, you are too compassionate! You are too compassionate!” I was thus kneeling and crying.

Shih-fu said a thing or two and left. I got up and sat on the couch. Suddenly, I sprang to my feet, filled with dissatisfaction, knowing I still hadn’t found it. I slammed my hand on the table. “I won’t take this! I won’t accept this! Until now I haven’t even found the shadow!” I calmed down a little bit and ran out of the mlecture hall. On the way to the meditation hall, a clear, direct thought flashed through my mind: “I am Chi-Ch’eng. Chi-Ch’eng is me.” Absolute! Definite! I have found it!

Very quickly I walked in and went straight to Shih-fu. Slapping my chest with my right hand I said, “I am Chi-ch’eng!”

With loving-kindess, Shih-fu said, “You have found it!” Deeply touched once more by his compassion, I prostrated to Shih-fu. Then, facing the Buddhas, I said, “Prostration to all fellow practitioners!” With palms joined, I stood facing the Buddha statues.

“Prostration to the Three Jewels in all directions!”

“Prostration to parents of all previous lives!”

“Prostration to all sentient beings!”The other practitioners were influenced by this atmosphere; the sound of sobbing filled the Ch’an hall. Having calmed down, I walked towards Shih-fu. “Shih-fu, I have found it!”

“Congratulations.” We held each other’s hands firmly. I felt very very close to Shih-fu ─ not just physical closeness, but closeness of the minds.

Shih-fu told me I could leave the Ch’an hall. A burst of compassion filled my heart. I must let the others know, to encourage and urge them to build up their faith and Bodhi mind. Kneeling facing the Buddhas, I said: “Fellow practitioners, you must learn well. This is an opportunity rare in a millennium!”-To realize how rare this opportunity was and to treasure it. “Shih-fu is a bodhisattva coming to this world through his compassionate vows!”-To have absolute faith in Shih-fu.

“Sentient beings suffer so! How great are our responsibilities!”-To stimulate and encourage Bodhimind.

“Offering our bodies and minds to innumerable worlds; this is showing gratitude towards Buddha.” This sentence, uttered from the heart, touched everybody.

I was in a state of ineffable fullness and happiness. The tension, restlessness and irritability that used to bother me disappeared, as did the striving and struggle to make breakthroughs. I felt a natural impulse to share this fullness and happiness with others.

In the afternoon we did walking meditation outdoors. Previously, I ignored the trees and grass. I didn’t care where I was going. Now everything was lovable. Yes, the world was different, but it hadn’t changed. The mountains, earth, flowers, trees remained the same. It was the state of the mind that had changed. Seeing the leaves that drifted onto the path, I looked upon them fondly, like old friends I hadn’t seen in years. When I accidently touched them, I apologized. My feet automatically stepped around the ants. Even the pillars of the temple seemed endearing. I now understood the phrase: “Everywhere, there is no mind; everywhere, mind is functioning.”

A memorable day! Today I experienced the state and life of “having found!” I am deeply grateful to Shih-fu’s for his compassionate guidance.
Homage to the Buddhas, the Dharma, and the Sangha, to all venerable sages and monks.
I offer my body and mind to innumerable worlds, expressing my gratitude to Buddha and to all sentient beings.
Wishing that sentient beings depart from suffering, I will not seek my own happiness.
While one sentient being has not attained Buddhahood.
I will not enter Nirvana.
Homage to Bodhisattva Ksitigarbharaja.

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