RAISING BUDDHIST CHILDREN IN A NON-BUDDHIST SOCIETY | Zen Wisdom

QUESTION:
We are going to have a child soon. As Westerners who have accepted Buddhism into our lives, we wonder how we should raise our child. Many people turn to Buddhism because they are dissatisfied, for whatever reason, with their previous faith. We fall into this category, and we are wary of preaching our beliefs to others, including our children. We don’t want to create a similar situation by force-feeding Buddhism to our child. How would you recommend that an American Buddhist couple raise a child in an environment that is largely ignorant of Buddhism?

SHIH-FU:
First, we must accept and affirm that religion can help the baby. With this in mind, parents should begin transmitting the Dharma before the child is even born. The unborn child is aware of the external world, and is capable of receiving blessings and good merit.

The parents, especially the mother, can begin the education during the child’s embryo stage, by avoiding temperamental behavior or emotions of grief and anger. The mother should try to maintain an even, happy state of mind, with a readiness to help others and be compassionate. In this way, there is a better chance that the baby will be born intelligent and with a good disposition. The child won’t be given to violent outbursts or stupidity.

If a couple were Catholic, they would have a child baptized after it was born. The child would receive blessings, a name, and godparents. In Buddhism there is no such ritual. However, the parents should still have blessings given to the child. A monk or nun or master can do this. Also, the parents should accumulate meritorious deeds for the sake of the baby. They can read sutras, or repeat the names of Buddhas and bodhisattvas, doing so with an open, generous, compassionate mind, with the clear and sincere intention of transferring the merit to the baby.

Actions aren’t restricted to reciting sutras and the Buddha’s name. You can do volunteer work, social work, or donate money, and then transfer the merit to the baby. Or you can do anything that helps in spreading the Dharma, which helps all sentient beings, including your child.

The transference of merit comes from your mental energy through the functioning wisdom of the Buddhas and bodhisattvas. Or, if you are people with good practice and strong mental power, then you can focus your mental energy directly, with the sincere intention of helping the child.

As the child grows, you can begin to talk about the Dharma, about Buddhas and bodhisattvas. These ideas must be communicated at one point or another, so that the child will have some kind of understanding of Buddhism, and will be better able to make a choice later on.

As parents, you’ll have to tell the child that although most people in America follow the Judeo-Christian religions and code of ethics, there also exist other religions, and that you willingly chose to follow Buddhism. Understand that you are not forcing the child to accept Buddhism; you are not compelling the child to take refuge In the Three Jewels. You are informing him or her what is out there, what you chose to follow. That is all.

At the age of seven, if the child wishes to receive the Three Refuges, then he or she can do so. This is the tradition, but seven is a young age, and the child may not be clear as to what the Dharma is. There is no problem if the child changes his or her mind later on. You should never make children feel as though they have committed sins because they have chosen not to accept the Dharma, or because they have chosen another religion. In fact, accepting another religion is still good.

As parents, you can tell stories of other religions to your children. Along with Buddhist and Ch’an stories, there is no harm in relating tales from the Bible and other sources. It’s also a good idea to bring your children to other churches, to the church of your original faith, so that they are exposed to different beliefs, customs and ideas. As it stands, you will probably be going to a Buddhist temple or monastery most of the time, so your children will be familiar with Buddhism. You don’t want your children to grow up with an innate resentment toward other religions. This would be pitiable, especially if it’s a result of lack of exposure toward other beliefs.

It’s also important that you don’t tell your children what to do with respect to religion, but, rather, explain to them what you yourself are doing, and why you are doing it. For example, explain to them why you meditate, but don’t force them to sit.

From a Buddhist point of view, we would like all sentient beings to have contact with and accept Buddhadharma. And of course you want your children to enjoy the benefits of the Dharma, but it shouldn’t be accomplished by force or coercion.

I understand that many people who have converted to Buddhism from other religions have done so through their own will. Nobody forced them. They may think that all people should encounter and accept the Dharma in the same way. Parents may feel, “Well, we discovered the Buddhadharma through our own karma and causes and conditions. We should allow our children the same freedom, and if they discover the Dharma, that’s great. But we won’t interfere at all.” This is not the right attitude.

Very few people make their own decisions or choose their own path. Most people are affected by and follow what others tell them. It is important that you explain to your children, as they are growing, what Buddhism is, why you follow the Dharma, what differences and similarities exist between Buddhism and other religions.

Remember, the first Bodhisattva Vow is to deliver innumerable sentient beings. Your children are sentient beings. How can you best do this? In addition to providing the basic care for children ─ providing a good education, helping them become useful members of society ─ you should also be concerned with the psychological states of mind of your children. Can you show them how to have peace of mind? Can you help them understand and accept the Three Jewels? Can you introduce them to and help them with methods of practice? If you can do these things, then you have done all you possibly can do.

We live in a hectic society. It is heterogeneous, not homogenous. It is constantly changing. It’s confusing enough for the parents. Instead of telling children what they should or shouldn’t do, you should explain what you are doing in a given situation, and why you are doing it You should try to explain why others do what they do. Don’t make judgments for children, just try to help them understand. If you can do this, then probably, your children will, of their own accord, turn to Buddhadharma.

It’s good to do these things before children reach fourteen or fifteen years of age. If you start early, then it will be easy for your children to develop faith in Buddhism. But if you wait beyond this age, it will be difficult for children to develop the same kind of faith. Besides, around this time, children will begin to rebel against you, so it’s better to get most of your teaching out of the way before that happens.

Adults who turn to Buddhadharma are rare. Why they turn to Buddhism varies, but usually, it’s because they find something lacking in their previous faiths, and in coming in contact with the Dharma, they feel an attraction toward it. It is the result of previous good karma. It’s also a rational, conscious decision by the person. Most people, however, do not change.

If you haven’t succeeded in interesting your children in the Dharma by the time they reach adulthood, chances are you’re never going to succeed. At that point, they are on their own. Emphasis on teaching the Dharma to your children should begin well before they reach fourteen.

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