SARA BARCHUS-FERRARI | Zen Wisdom

The proper courage is one where children put their best feet forward, accepting whatever may come.

The important thing is not to have your children accept Buddhadharma, but rather, to instill in the child a sense of responsibility, a set of moral principles, and courage to face whatever may happen. Their sense of responsibility should be toward all people, toward all sentient beings. With proper moral actions, children should not do or say things that will harm the body and mind of themselves or others. The proper courage is one where children put their best feet forward, accepting whatever may come, and accepting the idea of cause and consequence, not only in this present life, but in past and future lives as well.
Concentrate on these things. As to what kind of people your children turn out to be, or what religion they follow or path they take, that’s up to them, not you.

STUDENT:
Shih-fu, you said earlier that parents could tell Buddhist and Ch’an stories to children. Some of those stories are bizarre, and for those who don’t practice, or who aren’t familiar with Ch’an, the stories are easily misunderstood. How should one deal with this?

SHIH-FU:
Stay away from the bizarre stories. Many stories are not strange, and are easy to understand. Tell these to your children. Leave bizarre stories for practitioners.

STUDENT:
This is a hypothetical situation: a fourteen or fifteen year old boy says to his parents, “I’ve decided to become a monk. I want to leave home and devote myself entirely to the practice.” If such a situation were to occur, how should the parents handle the situation? What attitude should a child have in making such a decision?

SHIH-FU:
I left home when I was twelve. Many Dharma masters of the present and past left home when they were very young. It’s not completely unreasonable that a teen-age child might have this desire. If this were to happen, the parents should ask the child what his reasons are. If he gives a strange reason, that’s not good enough. If his reasons are sound, that’s fine. Also, if he has no reason at all, if he just has a strong urge to go, then that is also acceptable. In fact, that was the case with me.

Actually, in our present society, there are certain rules about attending school. The best course of action would be to have the child finish his high school education. Meanwhile, he can visit a temple or center and begin to study under a master. If after finishing school he is still interested, he should attend a school for Buddhist studies. In this way, the child will gradually learn about Buddhism and the practice, and he’ll be in a better position to know if leaving home is what he really wants to do.

STUDENT:
How deep is the parents’ responsibility or obligation to teach their children about Buddhism?

SHIH-FU:
The depth of the obligation should be the same as for your own self. Children start by knowing nothing. You have to feed children information and knowledge. Actually, it’s like food. Some children are picky eaters, taking a little food here, rejecting food there. Others will eat whatever you put in front of them. The same is true with teaching. Feel your children out. Give as much as they are willing to take, but don’t force feed them.

STUDENT:
I was raised as a Catholic, and part of my upbringing included saying the rosary several times a day, reciting prayers, reading stories about God and Jesus. As a Buddhist parent, would I want my child to learn the Buddhist equivalent, like chanting, prostrating, and so on? Also, should I make my children meditate?

SHIH-FU:
The fewer the formalities the better. In the Orient, many parents try to get the whole family doing that sort of thing ─ waking up early, lighting incense and prostrating, repeating the process before meals, before leaving the house or going to bed. It can get out of hand. It’s more involved than the Catholic religion.
Emphasize maintaining a Buddhist spirit throughout daily life. Formalities are not that important. It’s better to instill in children a sense of compassion. Constantly educate them in this matter. For example, when they see a small animal, they shouldn’t be cruel to it. They should try to help all living things. You should tell them that this is compassion.

You should also teach them not to be wasteful. Tell them that whatever we have comes from our previous karma. If we are wasteful, then we are squandering our previously accumulated merit. As parents, you should not be wasteful, and you should pass on this trait to your children. Food that can’t be finished can feed others.

As to having children sit and meditate, it’s not a bad idea, as long as you realize how difficult it is for children to sit still. If they show an interest, show them how to sit, and have them try it for five minutes. If they wish to continue, that’s fine. If they want to get up and play, or do something else, that’s fine too.

STUDENT:
It seems that children are so open when they are young, and that society and schooling tends to constrict them rather than enhance their openness. Is it possible, with children, to save them from that process, and help them make strong spiritual progress while they are still open and flexible? As a strange hypothetical situation, if a Ch’an master were able to raise a child, free of the constrictions of cultural conditioning, would the child be in a better position to advance quickly in the practice?

SHIH-FU:
You forget that sentient beings have their own karmic roots. There is no way that a parent, or Ch’an master, or anyone can intentionally raise children such that they automatically become deeply enlightened people. It all depends on each person’s previous karma, which is accumulated over innumerable lifetimes. Besides, Ch’an masters are too busy to be raising children.

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