What Should We Be Careful About When Making Friends?
Question:
Some people refuse to trust friends because they have been hurt by them. Are there any principles or things to keep in mind when forming friendships?
Answer from Master Sheng Yen:
In addition to following the principles of being honest, understanding, and well-informed in friendship, there are four key points to consider:
- Protect Yourself: When interacting with friends, whether they are new or old, it is crucial to protect yourself. Forgetting to do so may invite trouble.
- Protect the Other Person: When developing a friendship, avoid having inappropriate expectations or seeking benefits that should not be obtained from the other person. Friendship should focus on being helpful to others, and if that’s not possible, at least there should be no intention of taking unfair advantage, whether tangible or intangible. Avoiding exploitation is a way of protecting both yourself and the other person.
- Protect Both Families: A friendship should not cause harm to one’s own family or the other person’s family. If either family suffers as a result, it may lead to problems.
- Avoid Causing Harm to Society: Friendships are personal matters, but if boundaries are crossed or roles are misinterpreted, it could result in social harm, requiring a cost to be paid.
By adhering to these four principles, friendships can flourish without setbacks.
It is often said, “You can know a person’s face but not their heart.” Some friends may initially appear loyal, open, and enthusiastic, leading to a quick bond. This might result in lowering all defenses and fully trusting the friend, only to find that the other person exploits one’s vulnerabilities, leaving no room to defend oneself.
While it is not necessary to regard everyone with suspicion, one must remember that human nature can change at any time. Even if someone seems trustworthy today, they could change when faced with significant temptations.
What Are Major Temptations?
These include temptations involving wealth, fame, status, or emotions. When confronted with such temptations, it is often difficult for people to maintain self-control, which is why establishing boundaries is essential. For Buddhists, these boundaries are represented by the precepts (“戒”), which help ensure that one does not overstep the limits that should be observed. Crossing these boundaries indicates danger.
Religious teachings often outline actions that should not be taken. If one engages in activities that are prohibited, they are crossing the line, and without a defense in place, risks and accidents can occur. Such incidents often happen because one has failed to maintain their boundaries, neglected protective measures, and lacked an awareness of potential crises. As a result, it may lead to significant troubles or even endanger one’s life.
